3 words that each have their own definition but when put together, can be so hard to accept, explain or make things or situations hard to understand.
This phrase has been pinging around against the inner walls of my head lately a lot. They are kind of like that computer screen saver that slowly starts in one corner then works it's way up, down or over to the opposite side only to bounce off and head back the other way. Never back to the exact same spot, just off to the side so that it bounces around coming into contact with all sides.
I've let these words do this most of my life, sometimes I think I used them as an excuse to avoid having to address some things I didn't want to address. You know just put it up high on a shelf so you don't have to think about it. But now, with extra time on my hands I'm able to sit and reflect on what has gone in my life these and three words have started to make me wish I did know and understand why some things have happened.
So... Even though I may not like the answers I'm going to think about them and try to figure out why some things are the way they are and try to accept it or decide to figure out what I can do about it.
So here we go, taking it down to the Brass Tacks.
Most of my life I have tried to make sure I have treated others the way I would want to be treated. Close to a majority of that time has been with Sylvia as a couple, But for right now, in this writing, I am speaking for myself so blame her not for anything that what I am about to say.
I think we have shared or given much to others without expecting much in return, maybe just a little acknowledgement that we were there when needed. Oh, I know that some of my actions were hard to accept by others but they were actions that in the place and time, I felt had to be done. They, many times hurt me just as much if not more then the one's it was placed upon or the recipient of. Many times mine were reactions not initiations based on what others had done. I just wish that they would remember and accept that.
I come from a family that at one time were very close, that reached out to each other, that wanted to know that everything was OK. To me and it maybe it's only me, feel that is not the norm anymore. If it is something I have done. If something I have done is embarrassing to them, I am sorry you are. I promise you it was not intentional.
I know that my physical distance for a large part of my life has been a factor in helping to keep the relationships strong but again they were not done intentionally, not done to runaway or to pull away. My moves have each been done for a reason that at the time was for the best of my immediate family.
I don't understand why there seems to be a barrier between some that I am related to, I thought that I had pretty well done right by everyone but it seems sometimes that those that I would love to enjoy and be part of their lives, I am only recognized when it is something that I said or did that they did not like or agree with. But please understand this I am part of this family and I will always be part of this family and I am proud of being part of this family and that will never change, because I proud of being a member of the Glass Family. But anyway, if that is the way it is, then that is something that I am going to have to learn to deal with even though it hurts very much.
Once, I was told during a conversation about occupations and skills that allows attaining new occupations I was asked "Well, why would you ever be told you were "over qualified for that, what have you ever done." That gave me the impression that maybe I was not perceived as a person of much value, worth, or have the abilities to hold positions that hold high expectations. I know that is not true because I have held them and I did them and did them well. But still, just the comment being made, it makes me wonder if that the way I am perceived by others. If that is true, then to those people, you don't know me or you are not willing to accept my accomplishments for whatever reason. But I will tell you this... I am proud of what I have done and the positions I have held. I have held jobs from the being the boss to being the lowest man on the ladder. But no matter what the job was, I can say I did the best at whatever I was doing. So take me for what I am and what I have done because I know I have done better and more then some. Am I proud of what I have done? Damn Straight... So live with it.
So... for now.. I'll step down off my soapbox. Stepped on some toes? Oh well. But the Doc says that sometimes you just got to get it off your chest. So I did. But also know I'm not embarrassed for what I say because it is the way I feel. Trust me, there will probably be more later.
Onward Thru The Fog.